Customer Service Survivor Pillows

"She's asking if it's fresh-squeezed. Should I tell her to f**k off?"

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

'It allows you to run every day, rain or shine. Even if it breaks down, just call us ? we'll give you the runaround.'

'I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it, sir, but we don't give refunds.'

'No, I'm sorry, the HVAC engineer isn't here ... No, I'm not sure when he'll be back? Would you like to be put on hold?'

"When were you thinking of trying to get us to call, luv?"

"Your call is important to us."

'Your call is important to us but so are our mocha lattes. Stay on the line. We will be with you shortly.'

'We would like to exchange this please.'

'Sorry, no refunds. Didn't you read our fine print in Sanskrit about our return policy?'

"No, this is the department for obfuscation, hindrance, confusion and prevarication...you want the department for sophistry, incomprehension, fudging and evasiveness!!"

'Of course I care, madam!'

"Ed Pierce is here to see you sir, and remember, it's unprofessional to roll your eyes."

'Just before we discuss your eligibility for a refund, are you absolutely sure that you read all the fine-print?'

"Let me just ask your on question, madam—have you been doing unto the product as you would have the product do unto you?"

Patronising Department

'There's supposed to be 56 million bubbles in a bottle of Champagne -- I only counted 54, 325,775.'

'Oi, do you mind, trying to speak to my colleague - two self service tills having a chat together.'

'You'll have to excuse her - being on hold with Disneyland Paris has sent her goofy...'

'Just be thankful that you've got your health.'

'If you want me to stop at any point just shout the release code.' - 'Okay.' - 'The release code is 'A729YXF9'' - 'What?!' - 'Incoming! Heh, heh!' - 'Argh! A2Y... No... Argh!!! A9X72...' -

'Oh, it's about what I expected...I'm on hold for eternity to some tech rep in India.'

'The hold music will return after the following pledge drive...'

Complaint clerk presses button to drop customer through trap door

Murder in the Complaints Department

Do not feed the clerks.

'Your call is important to us...you are in a queue...your call is important to us...you are in a queue.'

"Your call is important to us..."

Complaints: "Don't make me angry - you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry!"

"Unfortunately, our user-friendly toaster is warranty-unfriendly!"

"For enquiries press 1. For account support press 2. To send a massive bolt of lightning through the chairman press 3."

"Okay, okay, we'll give you a refund!"

"Your call has advanced in the queue, your persistence has been rewarded with an upgrade to premium hold."

"My name's Karezog, Despoiler of Worlds, Devourer of Souls. I'll be your server tonight."