Courtroom Technician Gifts

'Your Honor, we can't find the defendant because we can't find the defendant.'

'This is my partner. He'll be taking care of the small print.'

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

"Bailiff."

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

"Better that a hundred guilty men go free than one innocent man be convicted, right?"

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'Let's try it again. And this time, don't cross your fingers.'

'I object, Your Honor! Hearsay evidence!'

"...And the court awards you twenty five thousand for the loss of faculty in your right arm."

'I got a suspended sentence.'

"'If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all' doesn't work with a grand jury."

Arrogant junior barrister

"Once again, I simply don't recall."

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

"This is the murder weapon the defendant used, your honor, and these are the tunes he butchered in cold blood."

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

'I don't suppose there's any way I could serve my sentence on line?'

'Ignorance of the law is no excuse, dummy!'

"Overruled."

'Court is recessed until the big hand is on the three.'

"Instead of 'fraudulent,' the defendant requests that you refer to him as 'fluent in the ancient language of duplicity!'"

'Remember, don't discuss the case with the jurors.'

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"Objections overruled...I also think the defendent looks extremly dodgy"

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

"You can lie to the prosecutor but don't ever lie to your co-conspirators."