Courtroom Staff Gifts

"Perhaps this will refresh your memory."

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'...unfortunately for you, I only see things in black and white.'

'Your Honor, my client pleads not guilty by reason of cultural relativism.'

"Prosecution bears the burden of proof."/"Defense bears the burden of twisting and distorting said proof."

"Well, perhaps 'guilty' is too strong a word."

'There you go, bringing up the PAST again!'

'Yes, I technically did give illegal orders, but I naturally expected that the integrity of my subordinates would prevent their being carried out.'

"No, it's still perjury, we don't make exceptions for 'white lies'."

'Oh, sure -- NOW you set boundaries!'

Legal Aid Mugger.

'New bailiff!'

'I've always been a proponent of winning people's hearts and minds by suing them.'

'Court is recessed until the big hand is on the three.'

"We can't reach a verdict, your honor. Probably because none of us are even smart enough to get out of jury duty."

'Look, it has to be 'guilty' or 'not guilty' - you can't plead 'I don't want to talk about it.'!'

'This jury will disregard the donuts and festive decorations provided by the defense.'

'The defendant had the motive, he had the opportunity, and let's face it, he's a killer bee.'

'Your honor, the jury has dismissed themselves with their assurance that whatever I decide is fine with them.'

'Could you maybe not hammer so hard, Your Honor? -- I'm a little hung over.'

"Isn't it enough that I know the truth?"

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"Instead of 'fraudulent,' the defendant requests that you refer to him as 'fluent in the ancient language of duplicity!'"

'This is the first time I've ever heard of someone stealing a moped to go on a joyride.'

'We rounded the sentence up to life.'

Juror crochets hangman's noose.

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

'You claim deprivation led to this crime?!' 'I was deprived of a dvd player.'

'Before I sum up, Your Honor, I'd just like to say that you're beautiful when you're mad.'

"In my court social distancing will be enforced."

"I always chuckle over how truthful a witness becomes when I drag out my ol' crystal ball."

"I know that an acquittal is important to you, and I think I get that."

'You're my 100,000th conviction... so, I'm going to take 25 off your sentence.'

'Well, I hope you're a people person -- the prisons are very overcrowded.'

'Your verdict has to be 'guilty' or 'not guilty' -- it can't be 'Die, yuppie scum!''