Courtroom Staff Gifts

"Perhaps this will refresh your memory."

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'...unfortunately for you, I only see things in black and white.'

'Your Honor, my client pleads not guilty by reason of cultural relativism.'

"Prosecution bears the burden of proof."/"Defense bears the burden of twisting and distorting said proof."

'There you go, bringing up the PAST again!'

"Well, perhaps 'guilty' is too strong a word."

"No, it's still perjury, we don't make exceptions for 'white lies'."

'Yes, I technically did give illegal orders, but I naturally expected that the integrity of my subordinates would prevent their being carried out.'

'Oh, sure -- NOW you set boundaries!'

Legal Aid Mugger.

'Court is recessed until the big hand is on the three.'

'I've always been a proponent of winning people's hearts and minds by suing them.'

"We can't reach a verdict, your honor. Probably because none of us are even smart enough to get out of jury duty."

'New bailiff!'

'The defendant had the motive, he had the opportunity, and let's face it, he's a killer bee.'

'We rounded the sentence up to life.'

Juror crochets hangman's noose.

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

'This is the first time I've ever heard of someone stealing a moped to go on a joyride.'

"Instead of 'fraudulent,' the defendant requests that you refer to him as 'fluent in the ancient language of duplicity!'"

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"Isn't it enough that I know the truth?"

'Could you maybe not hammer so hard, Your Honor? -- I'm a little hung over.'

'Your honor, the jury has dismissed themselves with their assurance that whatever I decide is fine with them.'

'This jury will disregard the donuts and festive decorations provided by the defense.'

'Look, it has to be 'guilty' or 'not guilty' - you can't plead 'I don't want to talk about it.'!'

Old judges calling each other whippersnapper.

'Your verdict has to be 'guilty' or 'not guilty' -- it can't be 'Die, yuppie scum!''

'Well, I hope you're a people person -- the prisons are very overcrowded.'

"In my court social distancing will be enforced."

'You claim deprivation led to this crime?!' 'I was deprived of a dvd player.'

'Before I sum up, Your Honor, I'd just like to say that you're beautiful when you're mad.'

'You're my 100,000th conviction... so, I'm going to take 25 off your sentence.'

"I always chuckle over how truthful a witness becomes when I drag out my ol' crystal ball."