Court Personnel Gifts

'You want the tooth?! You can't handle the tooth!'

'The motels are full, Your Honor -- could we maybe sequester the jury at your house?'

'Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?'

"You wouldn't understand. It's a guy thing." The witness was then instructed to either answer the question or risk being held in contempt of women.

'My client has required the services of countless law enforcement, court, penal and probation personnel. He's not a menace...he's a jobs creator!'

"Well, your getting the death penalty certainly won't be doing my practice any favors, thank you very much."

'...If you cannot afford a lawyer, the trial will go a lot faster.'

"I'm not used to being in court this early."

"The allegations against my client have been devastating your honour, they've completely turned his life upside down."

'Well, I don't trust a laws system that makes it possible for a guy like me to leave the courtroom as a free man.'

'I will not have the species card played in my courtroom, Counselor.'

'Now she's making me feel guilty. Your Honor, permission to treat the witness as passive-aggressive.'

'Your Honor, my client pleads not guilt to the charge of sexual harassment by reason of a testosterone surge.'

Incriminating Evidence Against the Cat Burglar.

'Why can't you take responsibility for your own actions?', 'I blame my upbringing.'

'Well, if you DNA made you do it, I'm sentencing your DNA to thirty years in prison.'

'I sentence you to hard labor.'

'For Pete's sake, Judge -- a guy can't just quit being a criminal cold turkey, you know!'

'Of all times to have a dance tune get stuck in my head.'

'Okay, it wasn't a good idea to tell the jury that he who is without sin should cast the first stone....'

Trial by Media

'This is my partner. He'll be taking care of the small print.'

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

"Bailiff."

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

"We make crime pay."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

Employer surrenders to case loads of workplace disputes and claims.

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

"Better that a hundred guilty men go free than one innocent man be convicted, right?"

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'Let's try it again. And this time, don't cross your fingers.'