Courtroom Professionals Gifts

"So, before passing judgment, please consider that science now shows that the male brain is not fully developed until never."

"The visual aids budget is a little low."

'This is my partner. He'll be taking care of the small print.'

The Circular Logic of Fascism

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"We make crime pay."

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

Employer surrenders to case loads of workplace disputes and claims.

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'My client has required the services of countless law enforcement, court, penal and probation personnel. He's not a menace...he's a jobs creator!'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

"If we learned anything in law school, we learned that you can never have enough wiggle room."

'Might I caution you on suing the defendant for damages...such action is fraught with difficulty, given your 'hand-me-down' status in his family!!'

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

"May I treat him as a hostile lawyer?"

'I don't suppose there's any way I could serve my sentence on line?'

"Once again, I simply don't recall."

"This is the murder weapon the defendant used, your honor, and these are the tunes he butchered in cold blood."

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

"Excellent! It's the disclosure documents for your hearing on Monday."

'Court is recessed until the big hand is on the three.'

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

The annual running of the lawyers.

"Instead of 'fraudulent,' the defendant requests that you refer to him as 'fluent in the ancient language of duplicity!'"

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

'Remember, don't discuss the case with the jurors.'

'I believe my trainee is putting together the trial bundle for you now.'

Attorney and killer bee.

You're Out Of Order

'and for pushing your umbrella button in a VERY crowded elevator.'

'Brain surgery, right?'