Courtroom Professional Gifts

"I killed him in self-defense. I'm not good at accepting criticism."

'Since you insist on defending yourself, I feel April first would be an appropriate trial date...'

'As I see it counselor, your cup is half empty and yours, counselor, is half full...'

'Where were you on the night of October 31st?'

'So I'm a bank robber -- What about multiculturalism?'

'No, go ahead. I enjoy good gossipy hearsay.'

"And now a little number that asks the musical question 'Do you recognize this meat cleaver?'"

'If you have nothing to hide, why are you hiding?'

"'Ambulance chaser'? I resent that on two levels."

Trial Mix.

'Five years of dinner at home with the family!'

'Your Honor, my client is incontinent to stand trail...'

'They profiled me just because I'm a bank robber!'

"We the jury find the defendant not guilty, but recommend a lengthy custodial sentence for his lawyer."

'My client did not escape, Your Honor -- his prison was so crowded, somebody pushed him out the window!'

See you in court and bring your toothbrush...

'Those with center seats in the jury box are always the last to arrive.'

'Because the prisons are overcrowded, you'll be chained up in my garage.'

'They profiled me just because I'm a bank robber!'

'Yes, Your Honor, but it's the first offense of my client's second childhood!'

'Better get used to it. I was just appointed to nine life terms to the bench.'

'I may be guilty of sexual harassment, but it was pro-choice sexual harassment!'

'It all started when I told him I resented people calling lawyers assholes, because I'm an asshole.'

"Your Honor, just because he fell into a cement mixer doesn't make him a hardened criminal."

"I told the young lady I'd giver her a tinkle, Your Honor, not a tickle."

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

A love seat in a court room.

"He should never have spoke to me in such a partisan fashion."

"Frankly, I'm looking for something that might appeal to a jury."

"Damn Activist Judges."

Your Honor, We Find The Defendant 'Naughty'.

'He hates it when lawyers quote the Constitution.'

'I'm going to lay a guilt trip on you, man.'

'Promise me that this won't go any further?'

'Sure, I'm a criminal psychopath, but look at all the JOBS I created!'