Courtroom Attendant Gifts

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

'This is my partner. He'll be taking care of the small print.'

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

'Look -- I'm willing to forget about all this if you are.'

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

"Bailiff."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

Employer surrenders to case loads of workplace disputes and claims.

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

"Better that a hundred guilty men go free than one innocent man be convicted, right?"

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'Let's try it again. And this time, don't cross your fingers.'

'I object, Your Honor! Hearsay evidence!'

"...And the court awards you twenty five thousand for the loss of faculty in your right arm."

Arrogant junior barrister

'I got a suspended sentence.'

"'If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all' doesn't work with a grand jury."

'My client has required the services of countless law enforcement, court, penal and probation personnel. He's not a menace...he's a jobs creator!'

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

"Once again, I simply don't recall."

'Ignorance of the law is no excuse, dummy!'

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

'I don't suppose there's any way I could serve my sentence on line?'

"Many of us are worrying, Brother Daniel, that you've become too clothes conscious."

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

'Court is recessed until the big hand is on the three.'

'Remember, don't discuss the case with the jurors.'

'The brown one that smells like an old man.'

"Objections overruled...I also think the defendent looks extremly dodgy"

"Instead of 'fraudulent,' the defendant requests that you refer to him as 'fluent in the ancient language of duplicity!'"

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"You can lie to the prosecutor but don't ever lie to your co-conspirators."