Counseling Comedian Gifts

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

'You have to learn to face reality.', 'Can't I just sneak up on it?'

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

Psychiatry. What's wrong with being in denial? It's comfy there!

"You knew I was free range when you met me."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

You were warned about mixed marriages.

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

Roland, the schizophrenic cowboy.

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

"How long have I had what problem?"

Computer help.

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"I'm a glass-half-empty and I'm leaking."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

'Lately my business instincts and intuitions have been on opposing sides.'

"Siri, are Charlie’s parents to blame for his neurosis?"

"My brother is always trying to one-up me. As soon as I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder he said he had tripolar disorder."

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

Woman on psychiatrists couch talking to statue in art museum.

I think I have a gilt complex.

Unsmiley face at the psychiatrist...

"Dr. Livingstone will see you now."

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

Dog in therapy.