Counseling Humorist Gifts

'You're radiating negative energy.'

'She's underhanded.'

'We first met here - when I was doing your job.'

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

"What do I do to relieve stress? I meditate, about not working here."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

You were warned about mixed marriages.

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

'Your inferiority complex is better than mine.'

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

"You're completely screwed up."

Roland, the schizophrenic cowboy.

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

'...and when the wolves moved house I was adopted by beetles.'

"I'm a glass-half-empty and I'm leaking."

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

Computer help.

"How long have I had what problem?"

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

'Lately my business instincts and intuitions have been on opposing sides.'

Woman on psychiatrists couch talking to statue in art museum.

"Dr. Livingstone will see you now."

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?