Psychotherapy Humorist Gifts

'You don't have any problems that can't be resolved with a lot of patience, understanding, perseverance and 60 thousan dollars.'

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

"What do I do to relieve stress? I meditate, about not working here."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

'Your inferiority complex is better than mine.'

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

"You're completely screwed up."

Roland, the schizophrenic cowboy.

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

"I'm a glass-half-empty and I'm leaking."

"How long have I had what problem?"

'...and when the wolves moved house I was adopted by beetles.'

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

T-Shirt reads: 'Out of mind, I won't be back.'

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

Computer help.

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

'Lately my business instincts and intuitions have been on opposing sides.'

"Siri, are Charlie’s parents to blame for his neurosis?"

Woman on psychiatrists couch talking to statue in art museum.

"My brother is always trying to one-up me. As soon as I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder he said he had tripolar disorder."

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

"Dr. Livingstone will see you now."

Unsmiley face at the psychiatrist...

'Do you know how much it cost me to LEARN all this psychobabble?'