Counseling Comedy Gifts

'Right. Like I'd tell YOU.'

'We never go out. We have no social life. We have no income. We have no friends. We're sexually too compatible.'

'See, my intensive stress therapy really works. You are no longer concerned with your minor anxieties.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

You were warned about mixed marriages.

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

"I have 25 patients in my counselling group...Mrs Sherman, Mr Martin, and Mr Martins 23 other personalities."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

"I made my first million tech consulting explaining the cloud to clients."

"I'm afraid that's a wrap for this session!"

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

"Wow . . . We could really fill this room with uncomfortable silences."

"....one minute I'm there - chewing the cud - the next, I get this urge to lead!"

'I have ego issues — at least, I think it's me.'

'What seems to be the problem?'

"YOUR mother? - Let me tell you about MY mother...."

'Visualize yourself not falling off the wall.'

'You have to learn to face reality.', 'Can't I just sneak up on it?'

'We don't bond any more.'

Dinosaurs Anonymous

'She's underhanded.'

'We first met here - when I was doing your job.'

"I regret the day we bought a memory foam mattress."

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

"I'm sensing big crybaby."

'You're radiating negative energy.'

"Tell me about your problem drinking."

"Death, death, death! That's all he ever talks about!"

'So tell me, Doc...am I cracked or not?'

Your eyelids are growing heavy … No, wait … Better yet, your lips are growing heavy … !!!

You do everything in dribs and drabs, Al. That's a valid criticism, Dr. Kapuchnik. From now on I promise to just do things in dribs. No drabs.