Counseling Comedy Gifts

'Right. Like I'd tell YOU.'

'We never go out. We have no social life. We have no income. We have no friends. We're sexually too compatible.'

'See, my intensive stress therapy really works. You are no longer concerned with your minor anxieties.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

You were warned about mixed marriages.

"I have 25 patients in my counselling group...Mrs Sherman, Mr Martin, and Mr Martins 23 other personalities."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

"I made my first million tech consulting explaining the cloud to clients."

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

"I'm afraid that's a wrap for this session!"

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

"Wow . . . We could really fill this room with uncomfortable silences."

"....one minute I'm there - chewing the cud - the next, I get this urge to lead!"

'I have ego issues — at least, I think it's me.'

'What seems to be the problem?'

"YOUR mother? - Let me tell you about MY mother...."

'Visualize yourself not falling off the wall.'

'You have to learn to face reality.', 'Can't I just sneak up on it?'

'We don't bond any more.'

'We first met here - when I was doing your job.'

"I regret the day we bought a memory foam mattress."

"I'm sensing big crybaby."

'You're radiating negative energy.'

"Death, death, death! That's all he ever talks about!"

"Tell me about your problem drinking."

'Don't trust people Billy, they'll only hurt you.'

"I'm sorry, but you're not the patient your father was."

"Don't worry. Very soon you'll be back to what passes as normal for you."

"I think that's your reptile brain speaking, Cynthia!"