Counseling Satire Gifts

'There, there, dear -- they're all alike.'

You were warned about mixed marriages.

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

"I have 25 patients in my counselling group...Mrs Sherman, Mr Martin, and Mr Martins 23 other personalities."

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

'Right. Like I'd tell YOU.'

"....one minute I'm there - chewing the cud - the next, I get this urge to lead!"

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

'What seems to be the problem?'

"Let's stop for a second while my assistant brings me a stiff drink."

"I've switched from talking to myself to talking at myself."

'You have to learn to face reality.', 'Can't I just sneak up on it?'

12 step program

'We first met here - when I was doing your job.'

'She's underhanded.'

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

"After the aversion therapy, please feel free to take home any pie remnants."

'You're radiating negative energy.'

"Death, death, death! That's all he ever talks about!"

Man enters the 'Tunnel of Love' with a nagging wife, but exits alone.

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

"Don't worry. Very soon you'll be back to what passes as normal for you."

The Ancient Mummy and the Psychiatrist

"So tell me about your early years on the road..."

'Don't trust people Billy, they'll only hurt you.'

Psychiatry. It's funny. You're a germaphobe and the last patient on that couch has a phobia about soap!

You do everything in dribs and drabs, Al. That's a valid criticism, Dr. Kapuchnik. From now on I promise to just do things in dribs. No drabs.

Your eyelids are growing heavy … No, wait … Better yet, your lips are growing heavy … !!!

'Even my inflatable dolls have headaches!'

Lawyer practical joke: 'DISBAR ME' taped on back.

"You knew I was free range when you met me."