Therapy Satire Gifts

12 step program

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

I've been feeling sluggish lately.

'Pencil on couch being psycho analysed.'

"Teach me not to care."

Psychiatrist to man dressed in baseball jersey: 'You've never gotten over the fact your father wouldn't play catch with you?'

'We auto mechanics get no respect!'

"The fact that I have multiple personalities and none of them are computer literate is depressing."

'Life's little wonders are too big for me.'

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

"Nobody loves me." "Yeah, nobody listens to me. Not even my wife." "My kids don't respect me."

'I may not really need you. My imaginary friend is a psychiatrist.'

"I'm afraid that's a wrap for this session!"

Can I take your disorder?

"You dawdle, daydream. You make lists of things to do but can't get started. You seem to be restricted from doing what you know you should be doing. These problems will dissolve when you read Chapter Ten of my new book, at eight dollars and ninety-five cents."

"No heroic measures."

Sardine psychologist.

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

'So how did you manage to get your saline replaced with lager?'

"Alexa, does this guy have mother issues?"

"I'm sensing that the role-playing homework I gave you didn't work."

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

"About that insomnia...have you tried counting billable hours?"

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"Would it be possible to speak with the personality that pays the bills."

'Yes, we are going in circles. How do you feel about that?'

'It's not my childhood that traumatised me. It's the size of your bills.'

"You've got a few screws loose."

'Kitchen! Chicken Bone! Hurry!!' - Rent-A-Surgeon