Therapy Session Satirist Gifts

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

You know, you're a real piece of work, Al. In today's job market I assume that's a compliment, doctor.

"I've switched from talking to myself to talking at myself."

"Would you consider selling me the TV and movie rights to what you just told me?"

'You're in denial.'

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

"You're completely screwed up."

Roland, the schizophrenic cowboy.

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

'...and when the wolves moved house I was adopted by beetles.'

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"I'm a glass-half-empty and I'm leaking."

Computer help.

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"How long have I had what problem?"

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

'Lately my business instincts and intuitions have been on opposing sides.'

"Siri, are Charlie’s parents to blame for his neurosis?"

"Dr. Livingstone will see you now."

Dog in therapy.

I think I have a gilt complex.

Woman on psychiatrists couch talking to statue in art museum.