Therapy Session Humor Gifts

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

'I don't feel I stand out in a crowd anymore.'

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

Beer $.50. I've had lot of psychological therapy, but none of it seems to help. Maybe you

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

'...and when the wolves moved house I was adopted by beetles.'

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

"You'll never be a full participant in your mental health care if you keep saying wacky things."

'Pencil on couch being psycho analysed.'

'We're like one big family tree... that's why everyone is in therapy.'

"It wasn't supposed to be funny."

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."

Psychiatrist: Mind over matter filing trays.

"Why do you feel like you're lost?"

"The fact that I have multiple personalities and none of them are computer literate is depressing."

'Life's little wonders are too big for me.'

'I may not really need you. My imaginary friend is a psychiatrist.'

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

"You dawdle, daydream. You make lists of things to do but can't get started. You seem to be restricted from doing what you know you should be doing. These problems will dissolve when you read Chapter Ten of my new book, at eight dollars and ninety-five cents."

"This obsession of yours about becoming a car mechanic..."

"About that insomnia...have you tried counting billable hours?"

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Jiddury? Social anxiety. That's what Google says it is, anyway. But Google's no doctor. I thought it'd be better to get the opinion of a professional. I see, well, why don't we start the diagnosis by having you hang up your phone, get out of your car and come inside? No, that's ok. I'm good here. You have a lovely parking lot. I've got donuts in here. No, that's ok, I'm good. I've got cracker crumbs on the floor.

"I'm afraid that's a wrap for this session!"

"No heroic measures."

Let's try some word disassociation

Cut out and keep your own Freud.

"Would it be possible to speak with the personality that pays the bills."

'It's not my childhood that traumatised me. It's the size of your bills.'

'Yes, we are going in circles. How do you feel about that?'