Counseling Comedy Fan Gifts

You do everything in dribs and drabs, Al. That's a valid criticism, Dr. Kapuchnik. From now on I promise to just do things in dribs. No drabs.

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

You were warned about mixed marriages.

"I recommend that you two find a way to spice up your shelf life."

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

"I have 25 patients in my counselling group...Mrs Sherman, Mr Martin, and Mr Martins 23 other personalities."

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

'Mona Lisa, would it make you happy if I gave you a foot massage every night?'

"There! Now we're getting somewhere."

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

'Typical bloody man, you've no idea what loyalty means...it's just self, self...self!'

Personal Relationship Counsellor

"Teach me not to care."

I've been feeling sluggish lately.

'We auto mechanics get no respect!'

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

'First, I'll give you my side of the story...then, the wimp will give you his...'

"I'm sensing that the role-playing homework I gave you didn't work."

Can I take your disorder?

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

Sardine psychologist.

'So, when did you first realise that you fancied me rotten?'

"The words 'complete screwball' are not in my vocabulary."

"Nobody loves me." "Yeah, nobody listens to me. Not even my wife." "My kids don't respect me."

"Alexa, does this guy have mother issues?"

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

'Right. Like I'd tell YOU.'

"....one minute I'm there - chewing the cud - the next, I get this urge to lead!"

'My wife doesn't understand me.'

"And what can I do for you, Sir?"

"You've got a few screws loose."

"Come on, Doc, one of us has to relax,"

"Our guest is Dr. Paul Veblin, renowned marriage counselor and resident of nearby Southport, where he lives with his 6th wife."

'I know we're supposed to be Lovebirds, but a bit of privacy from time to time would be nice...'