Counseling Comedian Pillows

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

'You have to learn to face reality.', 'Can't I just sneak up on it?'

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

"You knew I was free range when you met me."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

You were warned about mixed marriages.

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

Roland, the schizophrenic cowboy.

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

Computer help.

"How long have I had what problem?"

"I'm a glass-half-empty and I'm leaking."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."

'Lately my business instincts and intuitions have been on opposing sides.'

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

Unsmiley face at the psychiatrist...

"My brother is always trying to one-up me. As soon as I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder he said he had tripolar disorder."

Woman on psychiatrists couch talking to statue in art museum.

"Siri, are Charlie’s parents to blame for his neurosis?"

I think I have a gilt complex.

"Dr. Livingstone will see you now."

'The Neurosis Pack.'

Dog in therapy.

'To foster a sense of trust, I always like to end each session with a group hug.'

'Is anal retentive hyphenated?'

Telling Self to Buzz Off