Counseling Comedic Pillows

'I'm afrraid you're in denial.' 'I know you are, but what am I?'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

You were warned about mixed marriages.

'I don't know...they all look like cows to me.'

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Day for day i feel more and more empty.

'Tell me more about your programmer.'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

"I'm afraid that's a wrap for this session!"

"See? This is what I'm talking about! If you always show how happy you are to see everyone, you give them all the power in the relationship!"

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

"Wow . . . We could really fill this room with uncomfortable silences."

'Right. Like I'd tell YOU.'

"....one minute I'm there - chewing the cud - the next, I get this urge to lead!"

'How was my evaluation They really cut me down to size.'

'What seems to be the problem?'

'I have ego issues — at least, I think it's me.'

"YOUR mother? - Let me tell you about MY mother...."

'Visualize yourself not falling off the wall.'

'You have to learn to face reality.', 'Can't I just sneak up on it?'

'We don't bond any more.'

'She's underhanded.'

"I regret the day we bought a memory foam mattress."

'We first met here - when I was doing your job.'

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

Dinosaurs Anonymous

"I'm sensing big crybaby."

"Death, death, death! That's all he ever talks about!"

'You're radiating negative energy.'

"Tell me about your problem drinking."

"I think that's your reptile brain speaking, Cynthia!"

Your eyelids are growing heavy … No, wait … Better yet, your lips are growing heavy … !!!

You do everything in dribs and drabs, Al. That's a valid criticism, Dr. Kapuchnik. From now on I promise to just do things in dribs. No drabs.

'So tell me, Doc...am I cracked or not?'

"Don't worry. Very soon you'll be back to what passes as normal for you."