Comedic Contradiction Gifts

Whiskey wars

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

Japanese woman in minimalist house reads 'How to Clutter Your Life'

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'Keep repeating to yourself: I am a high flyer, I will not dive for the salmon.'

Pessimists v Optimists.

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

The Nihilist Deli.

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

Pop up begger.

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

'Relax... When I said, your husband's swimming with the fishes. I merely meant that he's gone SCUBA diving with the boss.'

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

'It wasn't the strength of your argument. It was your breath.'

'It's bad enough I get overrules at home... why here also, Sharon?'

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.