Comedic Dilemmist Gifts

Even though it was only his first day, Gideon had a bad feeling about his new job.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

Whiskey wars

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

Pop up begger.

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

'I'm all talked out. Let's look into some gene therapy.'

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."