Comedic Dilemmist Gifts

Even though it was only his first day, Gideon had a bad feeling about his new job.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

Whiskey wars

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

Pop up begger.

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

Tonight's Lecture: Your share of the national debt. That explains my credit rating.

'I'm all talked out. Let's look into some gene therapy.'

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

"What if we don't like their country personas?"