Comedic Realist Gifts

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

Tonight's Lecture: Your share of the national debt. That explains my credit rating.

Man spends $100 in lottery tickets to win $25.

'The success goes to your head. The money goes to us.'

'It's a midlife crisis - he doesn't know anyone with a vacation home that he can mooch off.'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

Visual Gag: An about to be married Bride using a real train as a wedding gown train

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'Well, the magic of Christmas is officially over, unless it includes waking up to a septic tank backup.'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

Jumble Sale

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."