Humorous Realist Gifts

'Do you believe in a parallel universe?' 'I'm COUNTING on a parallel universe.'

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

"Your nose was so much smaller in your Tinder photo."

'I've kept all my wildest hopes and dreams realistic and easy to achieve.'

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

Wounds...

"I'm addicted to giving up smoking; I do it 30 times a day."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Grimm's Reality Tales.

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

'Considering this is a floating mass of accumulated pond scum, I'd say you're gettin' one heck of a deal.'

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

Tonight's Lecture: Your share of the national debt. That explains my credit rating.

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

"So ... taking that nap during my performance review was a very bad idea."

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

Suggestion Box for the Wather.

'It's very realistic, Katie. It comes equipped with plenty of redtape!'

'Sure I had the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, but my finger turned blue and my hemorrhoids were killing me!'

'I thought working for a congresswoman would be different than working for congressmen.'

I intended to be a bum, but family connections and inherited wealth got in the way.

Dying your hair red at home

Cold-calls.

"It's outside, waiting for her inside of his convertible."

'It's a midlife crisis - he doesn't know anyone with a vacation home that he can mooch off.'

Give up.

Eight nights of excuses

Fortunately there was an interpreter for those who understood sign language.