Humorous Realist Gifts

'Do you believe in a parallel universe?' 'I'm COUNTING on a parallel universe.'

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

'I've kept all my wildest hopes and dreams realistic and easy to achieve.'

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

"I'm addicted to giving up smoking; I do it 30 times a day."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Grimm's Reality Tales.

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

'Considering this is a floating mass of accumulated pond scum, I'd say you're gettin' one heck of a deal.'

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

"So ... taking that nap during my performance review was a very bad idea."

Suggestion Box for the Wather.

'It's very realistic, Katie. It comes equipped with plenty of redtape!'

'I thought working for a congresswoman would be different than working for congressmen.'

I intended to be a bum, but family connections and inherited wealth got in the way.

Dying your hair red at home

'Sure I had the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, but my finger turned blue and my hemorrhoids were killing me!'

Cold-calls.

"It's outside, waiting for her inside of his convertible."

Give up.

'It's a midlife crisis - he doesn't know anyone with a vacation home that he can mooch off.'

Eight nights of excuses

Fortunately there was an interpreter for those who understood sign language.

"I don't know what all the fuss is about. A recession sounds like fun."

'The success goes to your head. The money goes to us.'

One day he hoped to be clean and sober. But for now, clean would do.

Flo tries to look dignified while waiting to hand in her stool sample.

Meet me safely distanced under the mistletoe.