Hilarious Realist Gifts

One day he hoped to be clean and sober. But for now, clean would do.

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Grimm's Reality Tales.

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Alarmingly, after five minutes the pool had come no closer."

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

The little engine who could, but decided not to- 'Ah, the heck with it!'

'Considering this is a floating mass of accumulated pond scum, I'd say you're gettin' one heck of a deal.'

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

No crawling sign in the desert.

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

"So ... taking that nap during my performance review was a very bad idea."

Dying your hair red at home

'Sure I had the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, but my finger turned blue and my hemorrhoids were killing me!'

'I thought working for a congresswoman would be different than working for congressmen.'

I intended to be a bum, but family connections and inherited wealth got in the way.

'It's very realistic, Katie. It comes equipped with plenty of redtape!'

Cold-calls.

Give up.

Eight nights of excuses

Fortunately there was an interpreter for those who understood sign language.

Frank's Realty. The guru's house is tough to sell. One door opening whenever another closes is not a plus in real estate.

"I don't know what all the fuss is about. A recession sounds like fun."

Wounds...

'Do you believe in a parallel universe?' 'I'm COUNTING on a parallel universe.'

'Can we dispense with the pep talks? - Stress is what GOT me here!'

Alien Attraction

Meet me safely distanced under the mistletoe.