Hilarious Realist Pillows

One day he hoped to be clean and sober. But for now, clean would do.

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Grimm's Reality Tales.

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

"Alarmingly, after five minutes the pool had come no closer."

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

'Considering this is a floating mass of accumulated pond scum, I'd say you're gettin' one heck of a deal.'

The little engine who could, but decided not to- 'Ah, the heck with it!'

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

No crawling sign in the desert.

"So ... taking that nap during my performance review was a very bad idea."

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

Dying your hair red at home

I intended to be a bum, but family connections and inherited wealth got in the way.

'I thought working for a congresswoman would be different than working for congressmen.'

'Sure I had the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, but my finger turned blue and my hemorrhoids were killing me!'

'It's very realistic, Katie. It comes equipped with plenty of redtape!'

Cold-calls.

Give up.

Eight nights of excuses

Fortunately there was an interpreter for those who understood sign language.

"I don't know what all the fuss is about. A recession sounds like fun."

'Do you believe in a parallel universe?' 'I'm COUNTING on a parallel universe.'

Meet me safely distanced under the mistletoe.

Alien Attraction

'Can we dispense with the pep talks? - Stress is what GOT me here!'

"I have low expectations for this year."