Realist Humorist Gifts

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

'In ten more years we could retire if we had jobs...'

"I'm sorry, Morrison, a rise is out of the question but I will give you time to say goodbye to everyone."

"You're going to hate yourself."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"The Eggsorcist"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

Grimm's Reality Tales.

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'Do you want your pie-chart with everything?'

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"So, Owen tells me you guys met in art school."

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."