Realist Humorist Gifts

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

'In ten more years we could retire if we had jobs...'

"I'm sorry, Morrison, a rise is out of the question but I will give you time to say goodbye to everyone."

"You're going to hate yourself."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"The Eggsorcist"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

Grimm's Reality Tales.

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Do you want your pie-chart with everything?'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

Paunch and Judy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

"It's not my fault - how was I to know you'd look scary with your clothes off?"

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."