Laughing Realist Gifts

Cold-calls.

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

'I see we've got some techies in tonight.'

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

"Hmm, well, I wouldn't worry too much. This condition is very common in your profession."

"Alarmingly, after five minutes the pool had come no closer."

Edith does ceramics strictly for her own amusement.

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

The little engine who could, but decided not to- 'Ah, the heck with it!'

House of Wishful Thinking

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

"So ... taking that nap during my performance review was a very bad idea."

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

No crawling sign in the desert.

'Sure I had the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, but my finger turned blue and my hemorrhoids were killing me!'

'It's very realistic, Katie. It comes equipped with plenty of redtape!'

'Sir, making mistakes is a craft, but making things up the way we do is art.'

I intended to be a bum, but family connections and inherited wealth got in the way.

'I thought working for a congresswoman would be different than working for congressmen.'

I also scheduled a pickup after we finish toiling in the fields. Amish Uber.

Give up.

'Sorry about the economy, but I never was very good at story problems.'

Eight nights of excuses

Fortunately there was an interpreter for those who understood sign language.

LOLpalooza

Rob Brydon

One day he hoped to be clean and sober. But for now, clean would do.

Wounds...

"I don't know what all the fuss is about. A recession sounds like fun."

'Do you believe in a parallel universe?' 'I'm COUNTING on a parallel universe.'