Realist Humor Gifts

"I have low expectations for this year."

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

Grimm's Reality Tales.

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

'Considering this is a floating mass of accumulated pond scum, I'd say you're gettin' one heck of a deal.'

'Would Sir care for a hot towel?'

I think he must have been in marketing before --- He's all about branding.

Tonight's Lecture: Your share of the national debt. That explains my credit rating.

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

"So ... taking that nap during my performance review was a very bad idea."

Suggestion Box for the Wather.

Dying your hair red at home

I intended to be a bum, but family connections and inherited wealth got in the way.

'I thought working for a congresswoman would be different than working for congressmen.'

'Sure I had the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, but my finger turned blue and my hemorrhoids were killing me!'

"It's outside, waiting for her inside of his convertible."

Cold-calls.

Give up.

'It's a midlife crisis - he doesn't know anyone with a vacation home that he can mooch off.'

Fortunately there was an interpreter for those who understood sign language.

One day he hoped to be clean and sober. But for now, clean would do.

'The success goes to your head. The money goes to us.'

Wounds...

A hunter missing his target

'Did I mention, that the last owner kept snakes?'

Farm notice - Milk Your Own Cow.

"I don't know what all the fuss is about. A recession sounds like fun."