Real-world Humorist Gifts

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

Grimm's Reality Tales.

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

Peter

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

After talking one stranger to death, Velma starts in on the next.

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

Although a rare sight in the old west, the secluded ice rinks brought out a side of the lone passing-by cowboy, that even they themselves barely knew existed.

"How am I going to put in a new tape?"

Rocket charmer.

Steak Lovers.

"I see from your resume you have a black belt in accountancy."

"Baxter, I'm doing an online course in delegating and I want you to sit the exam for me."

Dying your hair red at home

"Now where did I park my car?"

"The viewers seem to be sated with stupid shows, senseless movies and embarrassing celebs. That's why our black screen has got the best viewing figures!"

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

popcorn...

"I'm not sure if that's William Shatner or Deadpool without his mask."

'Don't worry! They're vegetarian!'

Castle with parking lot.

Life bingo

"Riley doesn't bark. He tweets."

'Fancy a banana split?'

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

No genetically modified candy used in this construction.

"It's outside, waiting for her inside of his convertible."

"Hey little buddy, let's team up and save the world...Then we'll have pizza, you ever tried pepperoni pizza?"

Eighties Throwback.