Real-life Stand-up Comic Gifts

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

They hated me.

Snowprov

Stand-up Romcom

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."

Stand Up Bush

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

"...They must be poor catchers, there's two men behind the plate."

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

Chicken: the one-man show

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Chicken comedians.

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."