Real-life Stand-up Comic Pillows

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

They hated me.

Snowprov

Stand-up Romcom

The only time cats are known to laugh.

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

Stand Up Bush

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

"...They must be poor catchers, there's two men behind the plate."

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

Chicken: the one-man show

Dog Treat. "Speak"? Without notes?

Chicken comedians.

After talking one stranger to death, Velma starts in on the next.

Phill Jupitus

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!