Stand-up Humorist Pillows

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

'No insurance? We don't appreciate comedians round here!'

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

They hated me.

Zombie standup

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

Snowprov

"Gee, thanks pal."

Stand-up Romcom

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'