Real-world Humorist Pillows

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

Grimm's Reality Tales.

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"My parents said that until I find a job and move out they will not recognize me as a sentient being."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

Rocket charmer.

"How am I going to put in a new tape?"

Although a rare sight in the old west, the secluded ice rinks brought out a side of the lone passing-by cowboy, that even they themselves barely knew existed.

Steak Lovers.

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

"I see from your resume you have a black belt in accountancy."

"Baxter, I'm doing an online course in delegating and I want you to sit the exam for me."

Dying your hair red at home

Castle with parking lot.

"The viewers seem to be sated with stupid shows, senseless movies and embarrassing celebs. That's why our black screen has got the best viewing figures!"

'Don't worry! They're vegetarian!'

popcorn...

"I'm not sure if that's William Shatner or Deadpool without his mask."

"Now where did I park my car?"

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

Life bingo

"It's outside, waiting for her inside of his convertible."

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

"Hey little buddy, let's team up and save the world...Then we'll have pizza, you ever tried pepperoni pizza?"

No genetically modified candy used in this construction.

'Fancy a banana split?'

"Riley doesn't bark. He tweets."

Eighties Throwback.

"At the time of the incident, I was employed in the Dunbar house as a pet."