Modern Living Humorist Pillows

"How am I going to put in a new tape?"

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

"Kevin, I'm leaving you to find myself ... a better Internet connection."

Peter

Pop Top Ice FIshing

This man is an island.

"You text LOL, but you have yet to actualize LOL..."

'The little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home and shopped online...'

God bless our home equity line of credit.

"You didn't seriously think that one does one's own huffing and puffing these days, did you?"

"No, dear, the baby didn't take a selfie. It's an ultrasound."

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

"Lemonade App: $1"

Gotta take you out, kid – You're getting booed off the field on my Twitter feed.

"These days, I don't eat homework. I just install ransomware."

'Has this wall got spellcheck?' 'Dunno...ask it.'

"Bloody Cyclops!"

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

Rocket charmer.

I'm Proud of my Gay Son!....I'm Proud of my Cross-Dressing Dad.

Hits Needed, please click.

'It took a great severance package before I agreed to ride off into the sunset.'

"Prospecting ain't what it used to be."

Castle with parking lot.

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

'And this is the walk-in laundry chute.'

"I need a companion."

"I thought you turned location services off."

"And remember, dear, at midnight it turns back into an Uber."

Hi honey, I'm on the plinth.

"She comes with breast implants,a kiss and tell diary and a reality T.V deal."

"I would like some facebook friends for Christmas."

"I have only my selfie to blame."