Stand-up Comic Gifts

"And, in this corner, weighing five pounds more than she'd like..."

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"That wasn't very nurturing of you."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

'Excuse me mister, I saved you a seat.'

'You'll let me speak first? That's mighty white of you.'

'All these years and I still have rock hard abs.'

"My wife doesn't understand me, but her mother sure has my number."

'Gee -- I never realized how short you were.'

'This has been quite a year for Washington, D. C.... worst snowstorm in history AND the worst snow job!'

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

They hated me.

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Zombie standup

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

Snowprov

The Rooster Comedian.

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Stand-up Romcom

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

The only time cats are known to laugh.

Tommy Cooper at the bottle bank - Glass, Bottle, Bottle, Glass..

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

At the primate speech center, Mokobo tries some stand-up comedy...

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'