Stand-up Artist Gifts

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"Thanks you've been a great audience, especially the guy in the third row with the great laugh."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

They hated me.

Zombie standup

Snowprov

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Stand-up Romcom

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

The only time cats are known to laugh.

Tommy Cooper at the bottle bank - Glass, Bottle, Bottle, Glass..

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

Stand-up comic/ceo: 'A funny thing happened on the way to the board meeting...'

Feline Stand Up - 'Fetching...how dumb is that? And another thing I don't understand...what's with all that TAIL WAGGING?'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Jim Carrey,

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."