Stand-up Specialist Gifts

Now that we've invented language and bipedalism, we can do stand-up comedy!

An attempt at kitchen cabinet stand-up comedy. Dinner is on me tonight!

They hated me.

Snowprov

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Applause

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

Physics Improv. "I now vill be taking suggestions from ze audience..."

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

Nick Offerman

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

Bob Monkhouse

"So, Mrs. Fessler, I understand you're a stand-up comic."

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

Michael McIntyre.

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."