Stand-up Pro Gifts

'Will you knock it off. Your set wasn't that bad.'

They hated me.

Snowprov

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

"I cook the sausages in French mineral water, I wear a French beret and I can call you 'Monsieur'."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

Nick Offerman

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

The First Hecklers

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'