Stand-up Enthusiast Gifts

'Joking or non-joking?'

"Oh my, no...as a General Practitioner, I don't actually TREAT you. I'm just the warm-up act for the specialists!"

'Our next speaker won't bore you with a long speech. He can do it with a short one...'

Putting down hecklers

"LOL!"

Easter Island Comedy Night.

'OK, I'm dying here, but you'll pay for it when I'm serving you in my crummy dead-end job.'

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

"I'm so unlucky, even the speaking clock hung up on me. . .!"

'Fair play, Bill always knows when he's had enough.'

Fear of Public Speaking

'He doesn't get the jokes - he just laughs at the F-words.'

John Bishop

'So a Russian spy ring was caught trying to influence U. S. foreign policy.... Big deal! -- could they make it any WORSE?'

'Those were some pretty funny Herman Cain jokes...got any Obama jokes?'

'No really, I was laughing because it was a great joke!'

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

Sean Hughes

Bob Monkhouse

Fish Shtick

"You'll like this aide's dry sense of humor...real bedpan delivery."

"Tonight, I'll be trying out some new material - chainmail."

The Many Homes of John McCain

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

"What I'd give for a heckler!"

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

"Economic news? Are you kidding me? I'll give you some economic news. I'm driving a '92 Kia with no muffler, supporting my boyfriend until his standup career takes off, and paying for 2 implants. Do you know the sign for 'desperate'?"

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

Comedy Club. Open Mic Nite. A car doing comedy? It it's like mine, it'll make funny noises!

Ghost Comedy

Russell Brand.

'Where are all the non-partisan comedians?'

'It was when he realized even the hyenas weren't laughing that Van started to get really nervous.

It's rude to laugh behind someone's back. Unless it happens to be a painfully shy comedian. Then it's rude not to.

Custer's Last Stand-up, General Custer as stand-up comedian