Stand-up Enthusiast Gifts

'Joking or non-joking?'

"Oh my, no...as a General Practitioner, I don't actually TREAT you. I'm just the warm-up act for the specialists!"

'Our next speaker won't bore you with a long speech. He can do it with a short one...'

Putting down hecklers

"LOL!"

Easter Island Comedy Night.

'OK, I'm dying here, but you'll pay for it when I'm serving you in my crummy dead-end job.'

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

"I'm so unlucky, even the speaking clock hung up on me. . .!"

Fear of Public Speaking

'He doesn't get the jokes - he just laughs at the F-words.'

'So a Russian spy ring was caught trying to influence U. S. foreign policy.... Big deal! -- could they make it any WORSE?'

'Those were some pretty funny Herman Cain jokes...got any Obama jokes?'

'No really, I was laughing because it was a great joke!'

"Now take my life-partner...please...take my life-partner!!"

Fish Shtick

"You'll like this aide's dry sense of humor...real bedpan delivery."

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

"What I'd give for a heckler!"

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

"Economic news? Are you kidding me? I'll give you some economic news. I'm driving a '92 Kia with no muffler, supporting my boyfriend until his standup career takes off, and paying for 2 implants. Do you know the sign for 'desperate'?"

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

Ghost Comedy

'Where are all the non-partisan comedians?'

'It was when he realized even the hyenas weren't laughing that Van started to get really nervous.

It's rude to laugh behind someone's back. Unless it happens to be a painfully shy comedian. Then it's rude not to.

Custer's Last Stand-up, General Custer as stand-up comedian

'Look at it this way - you got your bonus, I got mine.'

Bob's timing was off. Even a great act can fall flat if you show up the wrong night.

'I just flew in from Los Angeles, and boy are my arms wings...!'

Stand-Up Intern

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

'See, it's of a joke on it. I call it the 'Comedy Club'.'