Standup Aficionado Gifts

'Prior to serving as a network political policy analyst...our next speaker was a standup comic.'

The comedy club

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Project Length As Measured In Dog Years

"Do you want to pretend to be a doctor and I'll pretend to be a hotshot civil litigation attorney who sues you till your ears bleed?"

Zombie standup

Hey, calm down --- Now, what did you say again?

'The proliferation of bird watchers make me more and more self-conscious...'

"His first out-of-body experience."

"What's a patent?"

Men find this shampoo irresistible. It's called 'Gee, Your Hair Smells Like A New Car'.

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

Love at First Sight

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"Cat box"

Easter Island legs

"How long will we, the descendants of wolves, be content with table scraps and belly rubs?"

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

Skiing.

"The fish sticks here are very good."

Squirrel Chasing a Dog

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

The Fourth Little Pig

Dog Walking Services

"Of all the buildings I've designed, it's probably the most handsome."

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'