Stand-up Performer Gifts

'Thanks for being such a difficult audience.'

"Tonight I'll be performing a monologue about where I like to shop, my hair color, and something my mother did that upset me."

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

"You can't go on because you're 'feeling funny'? In your case it's so rare, make the most of it!"

Welcome Diversity Comedy Club

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

They hated me.

Zombie standup

Snowprov

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Stand-up Romcom

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

Stand-up comic/ceo: 'A funny thing happened on the way to the board meeting...'

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

Feline Stand Up - 'Fetching...how dumb is that? And another thing I don't understand...what's with all that TAIL WAGGING?'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."