Stand-up Star Gifts

Nick Offerman

Dara O' Briain

Amy Schumer

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

They hated me.

Zombie standup

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

Snowprov

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

Tommy Cooper at the bottle bank - Glass, Bottle, Bottle, Glass..

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

The only time cats are known to laugh.

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

Stand-up comic/ceo: 'A funny thing happened on the way to the board meeting...'

Feline Stand Up - 'Fetching...how dumb is that? And another thing I don't understand...what's with all that TAIL WAGGING?'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

Jim Carrey,

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

'Inside Ralph is a comedienne crying to get out.'