Secret Stand-up Star Gifts

'Inside Ralph is a comedienne crying to get out.'

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"Everybody gets a raise."

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

Woman sat at desk whilst her shadow does her dream career of being an artist.

Nick Offerman

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

"So your agent doesn't like your lawyer, and your PlR. people don't like your manager. They all like you."

The First Hecklers

"Is there a spin doctor in the house?"

'Oh, sow some interest! How many 8-year-olds can play the '1812' on a vacuum hose?'

Amy Schumer

Charles Darwin, stand-up comic

Dara O' Briain

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

'Well this shouldn't last long.'

'Poor old Fred at home. He thinks I'm out selling Tupperware.'

'No matter how often I do the show, I still suffer from stage fright...'

Open Mic Night

"Thanks you've been a great audience, especially the guy in the third row with the great laugh."

Standup Dictator

"I'm not conceited although, heaven knows, I have every right to be..."

"You can't go on because you're 'feeling funny'? In your case it's so rare, make the most of it!"

'Thanks for being such a difficult audience.'

Sit ups.

'A priest, a Rabbi and a minister walk into a barn...'

Zombie stand up

Billy Connelly.

Cyril Fletcher

"This is a wax job if I've ever seen one!"

Tommy Cooper's Recycling Facility - Bottle/Glass/Glass/Bottle/Bottle/Glass.

Brother Ernest has been riding a skateboard for years and nobody knew!

DIMINATI

"Tonight I'll be performing a monologue about where I like to shop, my hair color, and something my mother did that upset me."