Secret Stand-up Star Pillows

'Inside Ralph is a comedienne crying to get out.'

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"Everybody gets a raise."

Woman sat at desk whilst her shadow does her dream career of being an artist.

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

Nick Offerman

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

"So your agent doesn't like your lawyer, and your PlR. people don't like your manager. They all like you."

The First Hecklers

"Is there a spin doctor in the house?"

'Oh, sow some interest! How many 8-year-olds can play the '1812' on a vacuum hose?'

Charles Darwin, stand-up comic

Dara O' Briain

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

'Well this shouldn't last long.'

'No matter how often I do the show, I still suffer from stage fright...'

Open Mic Night

'Poor old Fred at home. He thinks I'm out selling Tupperware.'

Standup Dictator

"You can't go on because you're 'feeling funny'? In your case it's so rare, make the most of it!"

"I'm not conceited although, heaven knows, I have every right to be..."

"Thanks you've been a great audience, especially the guy in the third row with the great laugh."

'Thanks for being such a difficult audience.'

Sit ups.

Zombie stand up

Tommy Cooper's Recycling Facility - Bottle/Glass/Glass/Bottle/Bottle/Glass.

Deep in his heart James the accountant was an artist. Sometimes when he was alone in his office, he worked the keyboard like a pianist playing the Goldberg variations.

"Tonight I'll be performing a monologue about where I like to shop, my hair color, and something my mother did that upset me."

DIMINATI