Stand-up Superstar Pillows

Tommy Cooper's Recycling Facility - Bottle/Glass/Glass/Bottle/Bottle/Glass.

'When Obama heard he won the Nobel Peace Prize, he was SPEECHLESS.... But then, Bill Ayers WROTE one for hom!

They hated me.

Snowprov

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"Everybody gets a raise."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'Inside Ralph is a comedienne crying to get out.'

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

Nick Offerman

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

"My husband wanted me to get a boob job, so I became a stand-up comedian."

"So your agent doesn't like your lawyer, and your PlR. people don't like your manager. They all like you."

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

The First Hecklers

'You said to come back once I got my act together.'

"Is there a spin doctor in the house?"

Chicken: the one-man show

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

Charles Darwin, stand-up comic

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."