Stand-up Wizard Gifts

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

They hated me.

Snowprov

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

"Baldo, you're a very good artist! You should put your talent to use."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

'31 years in graphic design eh, so I shouldn't be surprised you've retouched your photo on your CV.'

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

Business coach hiding in speach desk.

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

Physics Improv. "I now vill be taking suggestions from ze audience..."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

Nick Offerman

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

"So your successful fantasy novels are based on your own experiences....can you elaborate on that?"

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.