Stand-up Wizard Gifts

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

They hated me.

Snowprov

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

"Baldo, you're a very good artist! You should put your talent to use."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

'31 years in graphic design eh, so I shouldn't be surprised you've retouched your photo on your CV.'

"Name your sources."

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Business coach hiding in speach desk.

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

Physics Improv. "I now vill be taking suggestions from ze audience..."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

"OK, I know that this is borderline inappropriate, but just hear me out ..."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

'With this organ transplant, you may find yourself doing a lot of thinking with your heart,'

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

Nick Offerman

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

Bob Monkhouse

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

Michael McIntyre.

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'