Comedic Realist T-Shirts

"We should take life one step at a time." "OK, but not right now...there's some dogs do-do right in front of us!"

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

Man spends $100 in lottery tickets to win $25.

'The success goes to your head. The money goes to us.'

'It's a midlife crisis - he doesn't know anyone with a vacation home that he can mooch off.'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

Visual Gag: An about to be married Bride using a real train as a wedding gown train

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

'Well, the magic of Christmas is officially over, unless it includes waking up to a septic tank backup.'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

Jumble Sale

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

Pop up begger.

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"