Comedic Classicist T-Shirts

'We moved here so we could have a wide screen.'

"The directions say, march around city 7 times, aim at walls and blow..."

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

Wedding Day Itinerary.

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

'Choose, Fenster

Sale on Bathing Suits, One Size Fits None.

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

'Just look at him. The face that lunched on a thousand chips.'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'Well, somebody on this stupid little planet ordered an extra-large with pepperoni and mushrooms!'

'Bye dear! I'll have another nice reindeer steak ready for you when you get back.'

'Wine represents all things civilized. It's an artistic expression, a manifestation of cultural enlightenment...'

'It's Blurred.'

I know I'm not qualified for the job, but watch my incredible video resume anyway. It got an Honorable Mention at Cannes!

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

"We're gonna need a bigger comic."

"And last week I nearly crashed while reading on the freeway..."

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

'All You Can Eat Wings.'

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'