Comedic Conversationalist T-Shirts

"Actually, I'm not a New York Yankees fan. I'm a New York Yankees cap fan."

'It's that time of year again, so I'm going through the motions of being good for goodness sake. What are you doing?'

'I chase women, but only to tell them about investment opportunities.'

"There's a smidgen of Charlie Rose about you."

"I didn't think it was 'hush-hush'. You didn't lower your voice an octave."

"If I wanted to hear about family values I'd go home."

Men telling stories

Undergraduates talking about winning money

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

'Will you stop repeating everything I say!'

Doctor's advice.

'Still saving money to finish that nose job eh?'

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

Tree growing

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

"What if we don't like their country personas?"

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"