Comedic Conversationalist Gifts

"Actually, I'm not a New York Yankees fan. I'm a New York Yankees cap fan."

'It's that time of year again, so I'm going through the motions of being good for goodness sake. What are you doing?'

'I chase women, but only to tell them about investment opportunities.'

"There's a smidgen of Charlie Rose about you."

"I didn't think it was 'hush-hush'. You didn't lower your voice an octave."

"If I wanted to hear about family values I'd go home."

What about reading another memoir for our next book club? Which one? There's the woman whose hubbie left her for a man. Or

Men telling stories

Undergraduates talking about winning money

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

'Will you stop repeating everything I say!'

Doctor's advice.

'Still saving money to finish that nose job eh?'

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'