Comedic Speaker Gifts

Hanger Management

"What kind of fuel am I. . . ?"

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

"Harold insists on doing all his own stunts."

Zoo: No Hunting.

Visual Gag: An about to be married Bride using a real train as a wedding gown train

'Just sitting around letting advertisers brainwash me. What about you?'

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

Dance of the sugar plum tax attorneys.

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

'Ick! -- I'd never vote for anybody with hair like THAT!'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

No Instruments Please

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

Jumble Sale

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

Tree growing

Jeff makes some nice jugs.

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

'It wasn't the strength of your argument. It was your breath.'

"I expected to see some politicians in there!"

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

'You thought I'd gone out of business? What gave you that idea?'

"Wait a minute! - First you say, 'Lay up treasures in Heaven,' and then you say, 'You can't take it with you'!"

Fisherman Funneral

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"I understand she's marrying him for his condominium in Fort Lauderdale."

"Where do you see yourself 5 years ago?"

"I have an existential dread of falling off your couch."

"Just once, can we not talk about politics."